IF a journey to health and well-being

 So here we are at 13 weeks.  2 stones gone!  I am now taking 7.5mgs.  I am on dose 3 of 4.  7.5mgs seems to be my sweet spot and it is serving me very well.  I feel a bit sicky and tired for the first couple or 3 days but after that it gets easier.  I am now following the 800 fast keto diet by Michael Moseley and because of the MJ it is really easy to stay between 800 and 1000 calories.  I have had to reset my goals as I had it set for 80kgs.  I have now reset to 75kgs.  I will be happy anywhere between where I am now and 75kgs.  I do not want to lose my boobs completely so once I think my boobs are going then I will stop.   I am now wearing my trousers of truth (The jeans I bought from the charity shop in Mareuil)  they are a size 16 Marks and Spencers.  They are now a little bit big for me.  My old black jeans are massive and I really cannot wear them any more.  One pair of old blue ones are loose bu...

 Well who knew.  This feels so slow and so tough.  It's tough because of the way it plays with my head. I keep thinking that I am not losing weight and then the next thing I look back and I have lost another kilo. Mike is getting a bit anxious now that I don't lose too much weight!! Imagine?  We talked this morning about it and I have said I will aim for 80 kgs.  At the moment this feels infinitely do-able.  If you had asked me a couple of weeks ago I would have been all doom and gloom. For some reason this week I am coping so much better and am not feeling hungry.  I wonder if I got the dose wrong last week?  Because I was mixing up the two different pens and using the syringe to get the last bit out of the old one, maybe I did too much?  Anyway whatever it was it worked.  I have been eating very small portions and not feeling hungry and not craving things.  The other day I was in a really shitty space and had to go down to the Spa...

 Hello world. I get so despondent in between times and then feel mehhh!  I then don't do this blog and I really should.  I suppose there is a part of me that is thinking that it is not working, but it is!!  It's slow and sure but it is reducing.   The problem is that I weigh myself every day.  I know I probably shouldn't but equally I do because I have always said ' If I am weighing I am dieting'  When I don't weigh myself daily I know I am not motivated to diet.   The problem is that if you weigh every day the scales go up and down.  One day last week I weighed and I was 86.2kgs.  Imagine if I had kept losing after that weigh in.  Today I would have been down in the 85's.  But due to the square foot of misery, the next day I was up in the high 87's.  Then a few days go by and once again I am down in the 86's.  It's hard but I am starting to understand my body. When I started this 7 weeks ago I was full of f...

 It's not exactly going fast.  I find it so disheartening when I read the massive losses people are having on the lower dose and on this dose but in only a couple of weeks.  It is what it is.  I am not exercising but I am so fucking tired all the time. I don't seem to have the energy for exercise.  I am trying to be careful about calorie intake and also protein but maybe I am not as careful as I could be.  I am not starving and I am trying to make this a way of eating that is sustainable.  I don't want to be not eating bread for the rest of my life.  If I want a bit of bread then I can have it after of course considering how the day is going. I weighed myself 2 days ago and I was 87.2kgs.  OMG I wanted to cry.  Sadly it didn't last as you can see from the numbers at the top.  I do reckon that alcohol is something which affects my weight loss.  I have not drunk wine and only had spirits with water.  Either vodka or spiced r...

 Gosh this is so tough.  I read all these people who are losing shed loads of weight and have no food noise and have to force themselves to eat.  If only! I have learned a saying whilst on the FB grou0s and that is 'Comparison is the theif of joy'.  This is so true.  I'll tell you something else that is the their of joy...l the bloody scales.  There is nothing more guaranteed to make you feel like crying than that square foot of glass.  But hey ho it is what it is. So today is the first of the 5mg dose.  I have to admit I am scared and really i had planned to take it yesterday but kept putting it off.  This morning I knew I had to do it and so I did the full 5ml into my belly.  I had been toying with the idea of doing a 3/4 dose but I am paying all this money to lose weight and it needs to bloody happen, otherwise it's just a waste of time and money.  There is still some liquid in the 2.5ml pen and I feel passed off that I might hav...

 This has been a mental challenge as much as anything else.  I know that in the first month you should manage your expectations and be realistic on how much if any weight you will lose, but hey ho we all expect a miracle don't we? So last week-end I was thinking it's not working because I was not losing any weight. I was looking forward to going up à dose so that I could get à move on.  Then as the week went by I suddenly realised I was making healthier choices.  It wasn't perfect but more often than not they were good choices.  I don't really think that I lost anything in week 3 but I do believe that I was making healthier choices. Exercise has been a bit of a no no.  I'm feeling quite tired.  I'm not sure if it is because of the meds or I'm just tired but I didn't feel like walking and my bike is missing a wheel.😒 Also last week I didn't take the shot until Sunday because of the trip back from the UK.  I decided to  move it all forward a d...

 Week 2 Last week was quite surprising as I really had no side effects but also didn't have any positive effects like food noise reducing.   Well I don't think I did.   I did eat more healthily though.  I ate what I wanted and had bread and chocolate but not in excess and I think am thinking about food differently.   A couple of times I have left food on my plate, and a couple of times I have thrown food away where normally I would have forced myself to finish whatever was on my plate and I would definitely have put it in the fridge for later.  The scales have gone down but as they are mechanical scales it's hard to say exactly how much.  Today I took a photo of the scales so that I can compare. I think I have lost 2lbs but that is fine because at no time was I feeling like I was on a diet or deprived.

 So it's been a long time since I spoke to you.  A lot has happened but the most telling thing is that I am seriously fat again.  There is so much to say and I'm not sure it serves any purpose to go over it all.  I ate too much is the bottom line.  No fasting, no carnivore, too much of everything. So here we are back at square 1.  Back at 91.2kgs and feeling so bad.  Mentally I am on the floor.  Physically I feel so horrible.  All my clothes are tight and many now don't fit.  We have just come back from Spain where David insisted on photographing me at every bloody opportunity and most of those were when I was eating. So desperate times call for desperate measures.  I have bought myself a months dose of Mounjaro and at 8.15am today I took my first dose.  I haven't told Mike what I am doing because it is not cheap.  I paid £185 from Asda.   When I get back to France (I am at mum and dads at the moment for dad's bi...

 Wednesday  88.2 I just do not know what to think and what to do.  My weight is going up and I am doing really strict carnivore.  I am eating a lot of fats but no carbs at all, nothing, nada.  I just cannot think about not carrying on with this because where do I go now?  What do I eat?  I will cut down the fats I think and just eat meat in some form or another. I ate a couple of biscuits a few nights ago and ended up having a horrible episode of heart racing and feeling sick and shaky.  I learned a hard lesson there about sugar.  I won't do it again. I feel defeated today.  Yesterday I only did OMAD and still I put on weight. I have friends coming for lunch today and I will eat healthily and will probs not have a drink.  I might have to have a massive rethink on everything. WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO? Maybe I need to resort to the exercise as I had planned to.

Sunday  Day 6 AF Look at me go!!!  I haven't had a drink for 6 days.  It is so hard and I really really want one.  I even went into the utility room just to look at the bottle.  But I just had a glass of sparkling water and walked away from it. Eating wise I have been pretty good I think.  I fasted until about 1.30pm and then had some bone broth and then some chicken warmed up in butter with some cream cheese.  For dinner I had 2 fairly thin pork chops with creme fraiche and blue cheese.  I feel satisfied but still crave something sweet.😒 I am going to weigh myself in the morning so I really would like to be very good and not have anything. I went for a lovely walk this morning with the dog through the woods.  I really enjoyed it and so did she.  We did 7.5 kms when we got back and 11,000 steps so I was very happy with that.  I have planned to try and go out every day if I can.  I don't have to do the whole walk  and mayb...

 Saturday Day 5 AF So today I fasted until about 1pm and then had 3 eggs and some lardons.  We went out for a ride on the bike to Riberac where we had a coffee and I visited some lovely shops.  I also went to L'Eclerc and managed to get a huge piece of belly pork. We came home and I cooked Mike some nice vegetarian pasta and sauce and I had some chicken thighs with a couple of eggs.  I couldn't eat it all. All in all a nice day and also I did not have a drink.  I nearly talked myself into having a drink as I have been listening to a book about giving up alcohol.  It talks about people who are addicted to alcohol and get drunk every night and have a hangover but honestly I am not like that.  I do have a drink every day whilst I'm cooking dinner but I rarely have more than 2 and I never ever drink after dinner.  So I was arguing with myself that if I was only having one or two then surely there is no problem.  I really don't think that there is...

 Friday 87kgs So things are going better and the scales are moving.  Today I managed to fast until about 5pm and then had chicken and burger for dinner with some cream cheese.  I had a greek yoghurt after with a teaspoon of sugar. I have been very good and not had a drink at all.  I was so tempted and had flashes of real craving.  I nibbled some brazil nuts and then at the real tempting time whilst I was getting dinner I had a big glass of fizzy water.  Once I had finished my dinner that craving went and I felt fine.  I think the not drinking is harder or at least as hard as not eating the things I want to eat.  I would love to feel that I have given up drinking but that is a hard thing to think.  I have Inge et al coming to lunch on Wednesday and will offer a bottle of Prosecco.  I am not sure that I will be able to say no to it.  My problem is that it is a bit like dieting.  If I'm not weighing myself I am not dieting.  ...

 Wednesday  88..... something. I have been really good today.  No carbs. no alcohol.  Probably not enough water.  I had lunch of sausages and eggs and then dinner was pork steaks and half a courgette.  This evening I really wanted to snack and so I ate the rest of the tin of olives and a handful of brazil nuts.  All very calorific but I have stuck to the plan.  I also didn't have a drink.  Second day of not drinking.  I had a big glass of sparkling water which got me through cooking dinner and then by the time I had dinner the craving was past. Tomorrow is a down day although I do have to go shopping.  I know that if I am busy I can fast.  Trouble is with me that going shopping and being hungry is not a wise move.  If I go shopping early enough I won't feel hungry so that's my plan. Am I going to stick to the carnivore diet?  Can I stick to it?  Because it is so boring and repetitive it makes me crave the carb an...

Tuesday  88.5 or maybe .3 or maybe .2 depending where the scale is on the floor. This is really not going at all well.  I am feeling very depressed and low.  Some of this is because of Ben and Lou.  They are descending into divorce and the house is on the market.  I feel so sad and I would love for them to stay together but not if they are going to be so unhappy.   As far as my diet is concerned I was good yesterday until later in the evening.  Whilst I was cooking lunch I had a vodka and a half and then before I went to bed I ate two Biscoff biscuits.  Why?  I know why.  I wanted something sweet, something carby.  I needed a drink because I felt so low.  I just wanted to cry all the time and then I let myself down.  No wonder I am putting on weight doing carnivore.  I am eating loads of protein and fat and then eating carbs which totally destroys everything and just means I am eating masses of calories which is ...

 Monday Can't look This is a catastrophe.  I am really and seriously failing here.   Saturday was a disaster.  I started off ok and then it just went downhill.  I ate biscuits, chocolate, just about anything I could get my hands on.  I drank nearly a whole bottle of demi-sec fizz.   Yesterday I was very good all day and then in the evening after dinner I ate 2 chocolats and two biscuits.  I also had a vodka.   What is the matter with me?   In 6 weeks we will be in Spain and I will be back at my heaviest since starting this blog.  I don't understand why I can't do it any more?  Something in my head is fused and just keeps saying 'I'm hungry, I'm deprived, I deserve it'.   I am spending a huge amount of money on meat and other carnivore stuff and then I eat that and eat everything else as well.  I feel horrible.  I feel so fat and unhealthy.  I must keep in my head how healthy and slim...

 Tuesday 7th November 86.5 kgs So as you can see I have lost nearly 2kgs.  Probably 4lbs which isn't bad.  I have been very good.  No cheating until yesterday which was my weighing day.   I have felt pretty good, not brilliant but not bad.  I haven't really had any cravings apart from yesterday.  Once I started I just couldn't stop.  Biscuits, rice, carbs and more carbs.  It is what it is.  Onwards and upwards.  Today I have been good.  Just mackerel for lunch fried in a load of butter and tonight I am having salmon again fried in loads of butter with mayonnaise I should think.   I am hoping for a good day because tomorrow is going to be a bad day.  I have some friends coming for lunch and I have made a chicken and chick pea tagine with couscous and for dessert I have made a chocolate orange cheese cake!  I also have wine and Prosecco.  I will be back on it on Thursday. I need to get back into blog...

 Friday 88.2kgs I've been gone for ages and that is because I have been on a bit of a roller coaster.  By the time the roller coaster got to the bottom of the dip I felt like such a failure that I couldn't face putting it on here. So to recap on what's been going on.  We went off bike packing intending to do the canal de deux mers and having started it was so hot we had to come home again after only 2 days.  Combined with that was the fact that it is almost impossible to eat low carb.  There is nothing available and definitely nothing for a carnivore diet.  So we came home and waited for the weather to ease.  My diet was up and down.  Some fasting and some keto and some carnivore.  My weight went up and down too.   A few weeks later we set off again as the weather was cooler.  Once again it was impossible to eat Keto or Carnivore and I ended up doing what I could.  We were away for about 7 days and by the time we got home ...

 Tuesday, but really Wednesday.  No weigh today Today I fasted for quite a long time.  I did about 24 hours but I did have a slice of ham at about 22 hours to keep me going.  I'm not too bothered about the hours to be honest.  I just fasted with a little bit of help and it was easy.  I didn't drink a lot of water nor have loads of salt although I wanted them.  I went into town and toilets are not easy so I didn't drink much. I am very stressed right now and I am surprised that in view of that I didn't eat.  It just shows that I can do it.   I have a new pig.  I just imagine this big fat greedy guts stuffing her face.  Her fat piggy face. She is a glutton and stuffs food in and it is revolting to watch.  Well that is my pig.  I keep picturing her stuffing her fat mouth at the trough.  I need to get her under control and back into her pen.  I keep refining the image and so when my stressed thoughts come I try ...

 Monday 85.3kgs So I am not doing too well right now.  Yesterday was totally out of control and I broke my fast after only 16 hours because I was so hungry.  Once I started eating I just couldn't stop.  I even ate a bloody Oreo muffin.  WTF was that about?  I ate several digestive biscuits during the day.  I didn't feel needy, I didn't feel desperate, I just wanted them and so I ate them.  I never stopped eating.  I ate peanuts, I ate crisps, I ate chocolate.  I ate 2 pork chops for my dinner and I was not at all hungry and had to force them down but I wanted to eat them. I just don't understand what is going on with my head and my need to keep bloody eating. Just stuffing crap into my mouth like a big fat greedy pig.  Maybe I should hold that image.  The big fat greedy pig with my face stuffing the food in.  Getting up to the trough and shovelling it all in.  That was me yesterday.  I keep using the excuse that ...

 Friday 84.6kgs 84.6 is good.  It's only 100g but it's much better than 100g up! Yesterday was not a bad day.  I drank bone broth and just ate in the evening. I had a steak and some green beans and a piece of melon and a few squares (for few read too many) of chocolate.  So today I am going to eat 2 meals.  Late lunch and dinner.  I will probably have sardines and eggs for lunch and for dinner it is steak.  I probably wont have anything with the steak except maybe some salad. I was really not that hungry at dinner time last night.  I have this mental block where if there is food in the fridge that might spoil and maybe I had half a plan that if I was going to eat I would eat whatever that thing is in the fridge then I have to eat it.  Even if I was thinking I could do a ADF I would have a plan that if I was desperate then I would eat ................. (insert food of choice).  So by the time I get to dinner time when I should just carry ...