Ouch! with updates 84.1kgs

 Tuesday 84.1kgs

Seriously OUCH!!!

How the bloody hell am I back up here?  I was really good yesterday and didn't snack between meals, ate pretty low carb and nothing else and today I am up over a kilo in two days.  Today is a fasting day and I seriously might just try and do more.  I am off track on my ADF because I didn't feel brilliant yesterday so didn't fast.  Also I was supposed to be going to Pat's leaving lunch on Friday but it is now cancelled so I could have fasted then.  I need to work this out as I would like to get some good fasting in this week and get this moving before the visitors arrive next week.

Today is Tuesday and I am going to fast until tomorrow at least 2pm for 42.   7pm for 48 or 9am on Thursday for 62.  Seriously I don't think that is going to happen.  The most I can do this week is really long daily fasts today and Thursday.  2MAD on Wednesday and maybe OMAD on Friday.  Then 2MAD's on Saturday and Sunday.  I have to get this fucking weight moving and I have to have more self discipline.  

I am desperately listening to and watching videos and podcasts trying to make magic happen.  It has to happen.  I cannot go back.  Mike says I am obsessed and I suppose that I am.  I want this so much.  I want this to work so much.  I want to be 80 kilograms so much.  I deserve to be 80 kgs and I am going to be 80 kgs.

Suffer the pain of discipline or suffer the pain of regret.  I need to print that out and read it every hour on the hour.  It's true.  The discipline of not eating the things I want to eat is painful and hard and I want it.  But when I step on the scales in the morning and I have put on the weight the feeling of regret is huge.  I knew I shouldn't do it.  I knew it would bite me in the arse and yet I think it won't happen.  Of course it is going to derail me and looking back at my blog, every time I go off the rails it comes back a couple of days later and bites me hard.  The pain of regret two days later is massive.  It's unbearable and it makes me angry and depressed and low but I only can blame myself.  I put the shit in my mouth.  There is no need to put the shit in my mouth because I have a lot of lovely permitted food to eat when I am not fasting.  To be fair the fasting bit is the easiest.  I know I can't eat so I don't.   The only things that go into my mouth are water, coffee, green or black tea, salt and butter if I need it.

So what's going on when my window is open?  I am just thinking now about what I am thinking when I put the forbidden things in my mouth.  I always do it standing in the kitchen.  I always do it secretly when no one ie Mike can see me but if he could see me he would not question me.    How do I justify myself?  I think 'I can get away with this'  'nothing will happen'  'it's only this one time and it won't show up on the scales'  'I deserve this'  'I have been denied this and I shouldn't be denied'.  Bloody hell, reading this, I sound like a bloody toddler having a tantrum.  'I want it, I want it.  Give it to me now'

What do you do with a screaming toddler that is demanding and rolling on the floor in a tantrum.  Slap its arse?  No not that.  Distraction is the best way.  I need to distract my screaming toddler and the best way is to find it something to do.  It has to be something that quiets that mental hand wringing.  A walk, a drive, skimming the internet.  I has to distract my mind.  It will pass.  Thinking about the pain of discipline and not the pain of regret that I will get the day after tomorrow.

I can do this.  I am strong and invested in this process.  I am setting my self up to win!

Today I am grateful for

This blog.  I know I keep repeating that but I am being made to be accountable here.  I can't tell lies here.  I have to be honest here.  It is only with honesty that this is going to get me where I want to be.

Life... Well it's better than the alternative!

UPDATE:

It's now 8pm and apart from a couple of teaspoons of butter and bacon fat and a teaspoonful of lardons I have fasted.  I don't consider those things as breaking my fast as they are not bloody window worthy.  They are training wheels and I really needed some help.  I felt pretty desperate between 6pm and now really.  My head was in a horrible place and felt like a washing machine.  My NEED to eat was massive.  It's under control now but I am scared that it will escape.  If it does then the binge will be spectacular.  But I do not want to fail.  I need to succeed.  I need to do this and to do it until tomorrow.  I need to fast until at least 12 midday tomorrow.  The thought of it makes me feel tearful and upset.  I am feeling like that toddler I talked about this morning.  It's not fair.  I want it.  I should be able to have it...  Just listen to that tantrum.

I'm going to go and weigh myself.  I'll be back in a minute.

83.9...........  Seriously that's 200g.   I need to keep calm and keep this in proportion.  

I am going to eat something now.  Not much but I just cannot carry on today.  I feel just beaten.  

Should I go back to 18.6 or 20.4 .  I don't have that far to go now so why am I doing this like this?  I can feel that the norty fairy on my shoulder is whispering and she is trying to make me fail.  She is laughing at me.

It's now 8.30pm.  I have eaten.  I had a small piece of the cheese I bought in the market this morning.  Probably about an ounce and a half.  I had a tablespoonful of lardons and half a tbsp of mayo.  Lots of fat and no carbs.  I feel better mentally and physically.  That has broken my fast but I shall keep the timer going because if I don't then I won't be able to eat until late tomorrow afternoon.  Weird logic I know but I am trying to get through this.

I'm just thinking about my reasons for feeling so rubbish and what led me here to the place where I have eaten.  Boredom?  Cortisol?  Once again I forgot to take my BS.  I should have done that to see how low or high they were.  Maybe they were frantically low.  God knows.  

Both Mike and I are horribly tired and I have been feeling like that for a few days.  He is uncharacteristically tired and keeps falling asleep much like I was on Sunday.  I wonder if we both have a bug?  

Calm down Gail.  You can't undo what is done and you cannot redo what is not done.  Let's get back on the horse now and see what tomorrow brings.

Tomorrow is another day and another chance to fast on.

Its 9.10pm and I have just come up to bed and honestly I feel fine now.  Not hungry, just satiated.  Mentally and physically I am at peace.  There is a fine line between fasting and eating.  I really need to reflect well on today.  I must just caution myself.  Once I give myself permission to eat, the game is lost.