One step forwards and 3 steps back 84.6kgs

 Saturday 84.6kgs

So here we are again.   Yet again I have self sabotaged.  Yesterday was a really bad day for me, both mentally and emotionally.  I felt really low, defeated, stupid and HUNGRY.  All day I felt really hungry.  I felt I needed the comfort of eating.  Reflecting on this now I wonder if it was because I was thinking about and worrying about Ben coming home and what would be the outcome?  I knew it had the possibility of being catastrophic and I was as anxious as probably they were.  I wonder if my cortisol was high because of that.  I felt so horrible and although I had good intentions they didn't last.  Before we went out for a cycle I just couldn't continue without eating so I had some bacon and eggs.  That was good and it filled a gap and eased an emotion.  We went out for a really nice cycle.  Nothing too strenuous and we did a lot of cross country on chemins.  In all we did 30 ish kms.  I was very quiet the whole time.  No chatter as I usually do.  I just wanted to be quiet in my own little world and really didn't want or need anything else.  This quietness is an old thing which I have done since I was little.  I like my own head when this happens and I don't want anyone else coming into it.  I have to say I haven't done this for a very long time.  Probably years.  All good.  Then we got home and I wanted to watch the Tour de France so I did but Mike kept talking to me which made things difficult.  In the end I ate again.  Cottage cheese and bacon and then a very large gin.  Then dinner which was chicken and lentils.  Then I had cheese and biscuits and just couldn't stop eating.  I drank too much and ate way too much.  I weighed myself this morning and I was 84.6 which I was surprised about as I would have expected to be at least 85.

This morning someone messaged with some bad news which I won't go into here and immediately I was severely stressed.  I am irritable and so hungry.  I feel shaky.  Even my insides are shaking.  I desperately want to start eating and I don't fucking care what it is.  I want bread and butter and chocolate and I want some peace in my head and body.  I want to feel calm and happy.  
We are going racing this afternoon and I have prepared a flask of coffee, a jar of brine, a small pot of salt, lots of water and if all else fails an omelette.   Mike however has been and bought a bag of Haribo and a pack of Mars bars.  I want to eat all of them.  He is having his lunch at the moment I am writing this and so I have come in the snug out of the way as I feel like if I have to see him eating I am going to start screaming and tearing my hair out.

Blimey just writing the stuff above has made me have a real flashback.  I remember many years ago when I was married to someone else and he was being his usual ignorant and very confrontational self that I was so frustrated I went into our lounge and was crying and raging at the world.  I knelt down on the floor and actually grabbed hold of handfuls of hair and started pulling it out.  Huge handfuls and pulling and pulling.  The pain of doing that stopped the feeling inside of utter rage and despair.  Those feelings of rage and despair are exactly what I am feeling now.  I feel like I want to really rage and rant and also that I want to run away.  All the words of being denied, it's not fair, it's too hard.  I want to roll on the floor like a child and have a real tantrum.  I want to pull my hair out.  I want to self harm which I have done before.  I want to do all of this to make this fucking horrible uncomfortable feeling stop.  Why do I find it so hard?  Why can't I easily fast for 24 or 36 or 42 hours and then gently eat the next day?  Why am I starving from the minute I wake up.  Actually that last bit is not true.  I am not starving from when I get up.  It's usually around 11am I start to feel hungry.  It's today that I felt hungry from waking because of the news I had on waking.

I have a plan for today but somehow it's all coming undone.  It's 12.30pm now and I am going to have to go and eat something.  I will have some Sardines I think and then we will go racing.  I have the eggs to take with me and I will eat them.  Then when we get home we will have the chicken and roasted veg as I had planned.    NO ALCOHOL TONIGHT.  This will be hard because the alcohol eases my stressed feelings but I can do this.  I must do this.  I am wondering if the alcohol is the reason I fail the next day?  I am pretty sure it is.  It's what makes me put on weight.

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