One square foot of misery with updates 85kgs

 Monday 85kgs

The Scales are my one square foot of misery.  I step on them with trepidation every single morning.  Every day I put my daily mental state in that one square foot of glass.  The change from last week when I stepped on and was 83.3 and felt like I had won the lottery and then this morning when I step on and I'm tired because I didn't sleep at all well last night and I'm irritable and hangry and 85 shows up and I'm defeated and devastated.

So here I am; Back where I was a couple of weeks ago.  It's not surprising after how I have been variously bingeing and then starving.  My chickens are home to roost on my hips, belly and under my arms.  I can actually feel how much fatter I am and even before the scales went up I could feel the inches I had put back on.  If it's true that we should not rely on the scales to show the weight loss then we also shouldn't rely on the them to show the gains too.
I am disappointed that after fasting for 22.5 hours and going out for a 40k cycle yesterday, I at least didn't stay the same, but hey ho.  You reap what you sow.

It would be so easy to say I am not doing this any more and honestly I want to do that.  I want to say 'This is too hard', 'I am being deprived'.  'I feel like crap'.  I need to explore that because in actual fact since I started this I have felt really crap.  Only on one or two days since the 10th of April have I had these wonderful feelings that I am supposed to feel.  BUT....  I have to keep going.  I've put myself back by at least 2 weeks.  If I give up then where am I going to go?  Up the 'fat stairs' I am afraid.

So here we go and we are knuckling down.  Probably white knuckling down but we are knuckling down. It is 1.30pm and I am already hungry.  I have drank a lot of coffee and also had some salt.  I will drink some water and keep fasting for as long as I can.  Often when I get to 20 hours the hunger feeling subside and I feel like I can keep going.  In all honesty I am not really hungry.  I just have the need to eat something.  That old chestnut of the pleasure of eating.  Resist Gail.  Another hour is what we want.  Let's try and get to 3.30 which will be 20 hours.
I have food in the fridge.  A boiled egg, an avocado and some salad.  I also went shopping and bought several tins of sardines.  I might eat them tonight.  Mike is sorted and so it is just me to sort myself.
I am going to do my best and I will check back later.

UPDATE:
It's now 4pm and I have just eaten and broken a 20 hour fast.  I was really hungry and feeling headachy and miserable.  I had salad, an egg, an avocado and mayo.  I enjoyed it and feel replete.  Mike has his own dinner so I really don't need to think about anything else except fasting until I feel I can't do more.  I am feeling much better now than I was and my headache and the shaky inside feeling has gone.  I am still tired though.  I have no energy.  I will check back later. 

I didn't write up my gratitude list this morning.  I really didn't feel in the right place for it but here goes now.

I am grateful for 

This blog, once more it's encouraging me to dig deeper and look deeper.  Not sure it's working though.

Being retired.  I don't have to worry about work when I have a bad night.  Today I can really please myself once I have the chores out of the way.

Two's enough for today.

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