Groundhog day. With lunchtime update and maybe more. 84.5kgs

 Friday 84.5kgs

Here we are again!  Not 'Happy as can be'.  Yesterday was a bliddy disaster.  I was hungry all morning and had that horrible craving feeling.  In the end I decided to end my fast at about 2pm.  I was very good.  I had some sardines which I fried in butter.  They were delicious and I enjoyed them.  But after that I just couldn't stop eating.  I had a lump of cheese, then I ate some peanuts then more cheese.  Then I had my dinner which was a steak with salad, then I had some grapes.  When I added it all up it was well over 1600 calories.  The proof was in the pudding when I weighed myself this morning and I had gained nearly 500g or a pound overnight!!  I knew what I was doing when I was eating it, but I just couldn't stop.  I was bored and I had been to the physio which resulted in being in pain with my shoulder.  Boredom is really the thing that defeats me.

I have these plans for fasting but my head always seems to get the better of me.  The feelings become really physical as well.  I feel very agitated and anxious.  I am really not enjoying this and yearn to give myself the comfort of eating what I want, when I want.  That way lies fatness and I want not to go back to my fat self ever again.  I am more than happy to fast for 16 hours.  I can struggle to 18 hours without too much stress but after that it is a whole different ball game.  I need to be occupied and out of the house if possible.  When I am not in the house I find it much easier to stay fasted.  Since we rarely go out this is a real big problem.  I need some coping strategies.  This HAS to work.  This has to be the answer.  

So what do we do today.  Let's plan for today.  Bite size chunks and a plan have always been the best for me.

Today I am roasting a chicken for dinner and I will have mine with salad.  I am going to cook some bacon and some omelette to have available for after 18 hours.  I must not eat cheese or grapes or peanuts to snack.  If I feel anxious or stressed I will just eat the bacon or omelette.  I must stick to this and get back on track.

My plan for the boredom is that we are going out for a ride on the tandem.  We were supposed to be going out for lunch to celebrate our wedding anniversary on Sunday but we don't have any money so that's that.  It's funny how every time I have a plan to go out to eat Mike finds a reason we can't go.  Hey ho, that's my life.  If he doesn't want to do the tandem ride then I will go out on my bike on my own.  I can't just keep sitting in the house like a bloody cabbage. 

Just writing this has made me realise that I am feeling quite low today.  I won't say I feel depressed but I do feel low and sad.  I suppose I feel like a failure.  I am not a failure but today I feel like one.  Yesterday I failed, but today has not long started and I am fasting and I am doing this.  I need to manage my expectations.  If I had said to myself when we came back from the UK that I would be 84.5 this week I would have been thrilled to bits.  Come on Gail.  You are brilliant!  You are doing way beyond what you ever expected and you can continue to do this.  You got this.

Today I am grateful for

This Blog which allows me to put things in perspective.  It makes me talk to myself in a positive way.  It allows me to be my own friend.

For Cheryl.  I shared my blog with her yesterday, which was very brave of me!  I like talking to her and she keeps me accountable and we can share our struggles and also our triumphs.

For me 'Showing up'.  Just showing up is brave.  I am brave.  I always have been.  I am a superhero and I will continue to just 'show up' at the start of every day.

UPDATE:

So at 12.30pm I had to concede to my head,  I don't feel brilliant.  I feel shaky, irritable and very low.  I decided to eat and to eat well and on plan.  I have eaten 2 smoked back bacon rashers, 2 eggs and a good tablespoonful of cottage cheese.  It was lovely and I am full.  I still feel shaky so I will drink some water now and also have some salt.  This is still an experiment of one and I have to find the way that works for me best.  I want to be doing this still in a years time and to be healthy and fit.  I also started doing some research about Dr Tim Noakes and lo and behold he is the author, or exponent anyway, of the Banting Diet which I used to do a while ago with Bev.  I am researching it and basically it is Keto but maybe not so high fat.  This set me to wondering about the high fat thing.  I don't want to be low fat because fat is satiating but I do wonder if I am eating too much fat.  I am trying to cut back on cheese (except for yesterday).  I am going to cut back a little on butter and today I used coconut oil for my bacon.  I am highly unlikely to eat the coconut oil left in the pan after cooking, unlike the butter that is left.    
The plan this afternoon is to go out for a ride on the tandem which might be good for my mental health.  We shall see and I will check back in here later and be brutally honest about how I feel.

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