Forgiveness, kindness and all other ways to beat myself to death. 85.2kgs

 Saturday 85.2 kgs ish!!

I have realised that when I am out of my comfort zone ie when I am not prepared and when things get a bit random and unpredictable then I go to pieces.  I start bingeing.  I can fast for about 16-18 hours but after that, all bets are off.  I am not hungry and I am not necessarily craving, but I just want to eat.  I want the physical act of eating something.  Preferably something sweet but if that's not possible then anything will do.  If I get home from this trip to Anglesey without having put on at least 1kg then it will be a miracle.  I'm not sure how to think about this.  Do I just think to myself 'Oh well, I've had a lovely weekend.  I have fasted some and when I get to a more stable environment I will be back on it and that kg will be gone in a few days'.  Or do I beat myself to death.  Feel like a failure.  I will have still put on the kg and will feel horrible about it.  I got down to 85 kgs a couple of days ago.  3 months ago it was a dream to get here.  I have done so well.  It hasn't been particularly hard or a struggle.  It is only these days when I am put off balance by circumstances.

Today I fasted for 17 hours.  I ate a huge sausage roll thing that Mum bought for us and to be perfectly honest I didn't enjoy it.  Some part of me just needed to eat it.  Then I had a crisp sandwich.  I mean seriously?  What the bloody hell?  It was horrible pappy white bread but I wanted a crisp sandwich.  Then I had 4 malted milk biscuits.  They were honestly the only thing I ate that felt like I really wanted to eat it.  I need to stop before I eat something.  Also I need to taste something first and if I think I don't really like this as in the case of the sausage roll I should throw it in the bin.  It's better off in the bin than it is in me.  The crisp sandwich on shitty white cheap bread.  I should have just eaten the crisps and chucked the bread.  The biscuits are not ideal but I enjoyed them.  So now it's back on it and fasting until dinner tonight which I think will be an Indian.  Chicken something with a spoonful of rice I think.  Water not beer.  No dessert.  Sounds easy.  What could possibly go wrong? I eat too much rice.  I drink beer.  I am pretty sure I won't have a dessert.  So rice or beer?  No rice and a small beer.  Good compromise?    We shall see.

Tomorrow it is planned to go out for lunch I think.  I must chose wisely.  Fish or steak and no chips or potatoes.  Also I will just have a good lunch and then close my window.  I could then fast until tomorrow Monday night and do a 30 hour fast.....  I really want to but not sure I can especially after I have been off plan for several days.                                                                                                          

I've just read this back.  How about I go out for lunch with my family, eat what I want, and then close my window.  I will not feel deprived.  I won't feel like I have denied myself and I will feel satisfied.  I will then be able to close my window until Monday.  I will reopen my window when I feel the need arises.

Why do I feel so weak and that I have let myself down?  In truth I have let myself down because like Oscar Wilde 'I can resist everything except temptation'.   Maybe I need to examine my distorted thinking?

Today I am grateful for

This time whilst Mike has been out with Antony and I have been on my own.  I rarely get any time on my own and I find it very relaxing and calm.  I like the quietness of it.  I wish I had more of it and I used it more wisely when I got it.

This motorhome.  It gives us the space and means to be in our own bubble.  I love the way we have our snail shell with all our stuff around us.

This Blog which gives me space to think and plan and be present.

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