To weigh or not? With updates x 2. 83.7kgs

 Saturday 83.7kgs

As you can see I did weigh this morning.  It's such a habit.  I wish now I hadn't because obviously I guessed yesterday that today I would be up to 83.5.  I know it's only 200gms but on the square foot of misery it can be a negative feeling.  I wonder too if the alcohol (one gin) is the reason?  I will never know but I must bear it in mind.  So today the plan is to fast until tomorrow.  I have just done my pilates and plan on a long walk this afternoon with Lilly.  I have done dinner for Mike so that is all good.  

So how do I think this is going to go if I fast today?  Are my expectations unrealistic?  Yup I think so.  Especially when I have been reading that intially doing rolling 42's that the weight loss is dramatic when you first start and then it slows down to a crawl.  Well I have to say after my first two 42's the weight loss was dramatic at 2kgs in 5 days.  Am I prepared to do rolling 42's if all I lose is 2lbs or one kilo a week?  Hmmm good question.  However if I didn't weigh myself until next monday and I had lost 1 kg so say I weighed in at 82.5 how would I feel?  Would I be thrilled or would I be disappointed?  Where in my fantasy mind would I like to be if I weighed myself next Monday and I had been doing rolling 42's?  I would expect to be at least 81.  Seriously that is 2 kilos in a week?  Am I brave enough to not weigh and take a chance?  Am I strong enough to not weigh and to trust the process?  I am fasting today and eating tomorrow.  I am 83.7 today so when I weigh myself on this Monday morning I would like to see 83.2.  If I do that and am in a good place then I will see about not weighing next week.  I think a reasonable expectation if I am 83.2 on Monday would be 82 by next monday which is a loss of 1.4kgs.

I also have noticed that whilst I have been writing this blog that I have been searching through my mind for plans as I am writing.  One thing I know that I do is try to find excuses not to do the hard stuff.  Just now when I was thinking that today I am fasting 42 and tomorrow I am eating and today is Saturday and tomorrow is Sunday and so it's the weekend so maybe I should eat today and tomorrow and then do ADF on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and eat at the weekend.  So this long sentence above with no punctuation is how the voice in my head talks to me.  Very fast and rationalising against decisions I have already made.  I feel a bit mushy headed and shaky this morning and I feel hungry so I am looking for ways to avoid those feelings.

I need to get myself moving and I am sure the feeling will pass.  I want to fast 42 today and then tomorrow not even think about it.  I have to keep busy and moving because when I do I feel better.

Just as an aside but something I need to write down here so that I can refer back to it is that although my heart is not missing beats at all it does seem to be working harder and also I am getting a lot of palpitations.  My heart rate goes higher for quite long periods and is not coming back down so quickly as it usually does.  I might need to make some notes on this if it keeps happening.  My BP this morning 124/67.  Blimey!  Maybe I should stop my BP meds. Maybe that's why I feel a bit light or mushy headed?  Who knows.

Today I am grateful for

The Girl With The Pilates Mat.  I love her videos and although sometimes they are hard I know they are adaptable to me.  I have paid her once but now I am back into it I must do them daily or at least 5 times a week and I must pay her again.

I am learning not to give up when it all gets hard or uncomfortable.  My brain or inner pig is often screaming at me to stop and give up.  I need to see that pig as something else.  What or who could it be so that I can picture it trying to sabotage me?  I am stronger than it.  I am cleverer than it.  I have more tenacity than it.

This blog.  I know I have stated my gratitude before but it is an amazing tool.  It keeps me accountable and it allows me to explore what's going on.

UPDATE:

It's now 1.30pm and I am hungry and I really need to get out and do something before I scream.  Mike is driving me nuts, because I am irritable.  I need to move.  He wants to come for a walk which is fine but I just want to be out and in nature and doing something.  I am going to get through this.  I know I can do it.

Just a passing thought but I wonder if what I ate yesterday ie lot's of carby bread, is why I am finding it much harder today?  Gin and bread are not a good combination for fasting 42 the next day.  Lesson learned there Gail.  However I have plenty of strong resolve, coffee, salt and pickle juice.  I am not thinking about failing or making a contingency plan for when I do. 

UPDATE 2:

It's 9.30pm and I am still fasting.  I have had a teaspoonful of butter and I have had some pickle juice and lots of salt.  We went for a lovely walk and did 10k!  I am so pleased with myself as I am obviously much fitter than I was as I felt fine when we got home.  It absolutely bucketed down whilst we were out and neither of us had coats so we were literally soaked to the skin.  It wasn't cold though and it was more of an adventure because of it.  We both enjoyed it.  Once again the proof of moving and exercise is that I was not hungry and had no thoughts of eating whilst we were out. I felt fantastic too. 

I cooked and dished up Mike's tea and then went and watched TV whilst he ate it.  I really could eat now but I am not going to.  If I still feel hungry and this is a little bit of belly hunger not head hunger then I will have some more butter.  Honestly the belly hunger is easy to resist as it passes but the head hunger is a totally different animal.  I need to get that animal under control and get it caged.  When I control the head hunger I will have this totally cracked.

I've been pondering tonight on the weighing thing because I have to decide before tomorrow what I am going to do in the morning.  I did weigh when I went up for a shower after the walk and I was 83.4 so I assume that in the morning I shall be 83.  I think I will weigh tonight before I go to bed which will spur me to keep going and resolve not to weigh until Tuesday which will be after the Monday fasting day.  Not weighing tomorrow will also encourage me to be good and not to go off piste on my down day so that I can have a progression for the next few days.  I've totally got this.  I am a winner!!