Self sabotage 86.7kgs

 Thursday 86.7 kgs

Oh My God what am I doing?  I really need to be writing this every single day without fail.  We have been away for 4 days cycling.  The first 2 days I was really good.  I fasted for at least 19 hours and the first day I only ate very low carb, no snacks and had a ginormous steak for dinner with some salad.  All good.  Day 2 I fasted well but I was really tired and by 4pm I felt exhausted and really irritable.  Day 1 had been a really tough and long day and it was hot.  Day 2 was very hot too and I don't think I drank enough water.  I probably did snack a bit after I broke my fast, I can't really remember but nothing too bad.  Then at 7pm we went to the restaurant for dinner and they were fully booked.  Honestly I wanted to just sit and cry.  I was tired and hungry and I was not in a good place.  Our plan all along was to eat at this place and when I have a plan I am good.  It's when the wheel falls off then I just revert to binge eating and have no off switch.  It was a good job that I didn't really have access to a lot of alcohol because I know I would have got wasted.  As it was we had to cycle into Rochechouart and find somewhere to eat.  We found this strange little place which was a kind of shop for local produce that could be eaten on the premises.  I had a Croque Monsieur which was burnt and I thought came with 2 pieces of bread but I could have that very wrong because I was so hungry and low.  It came with chips so it was hardly Carb free or friendly.  I had two glasses of rose wine too.  What a shit show!  Anyway I ate it all and it filled a spot but I was then on a downward slope.

The next morning for various reasons Mike and I were not in a good place which is so not like us and we were fighting.  He doesn't like me when I am hangry.  I don't like me when I am hangry.  So I decided in a moment of pure stupidity and self-gratification that I could not possibly ride that day fasted and that I should eat all day and not worry about it because I had all this exercise to do!  Stupid, stupid girl!  So I ate the most delicious Pain au Raisin for mid morning and after that I never stopped eating.  I had baguette and biscuits and more biscuits and probably more than that.  We got to the camps site at St Jory and I was on a roll.  For dinner I had the deep fried Mozzarella, calamari, onion rings and breaded prawns.  I didn't have a pizza.  I had a beer and would have had two but Mike was not impressed that I wanted another.  Then I had a sundae for dessert.  Honestly what was I thinking?  I even had another biscuit or 2 before we went to bed.

The last day which was yesterday I started well and fasted until lunchtime, which was about 16 hours.  Because Mike had a baguette which we bought at the supermarket I just couldn't sit there and not eat.  So I tried to be good and had some Chorizo and some walnuts.  We got home about 2pm and I weighed myself and found the damage to be 86.1kgs, so not too bad.  But what happened next just shows that my head is a mess.  I just couldn't stop eating.  I ate everything in site.  I probably ate nearly a packet of biscuits, half a baguette.  Nuts, loads of crisps and I had a white bread crisp sandwich.  Then for dinner I had an omelette and roasted potatoes.  I also had two large vodkas which made me feel horrible.  I was like out of control.  I wonder if I had stuck to the plan and things hadn't gone wrong at the restaurant what my weight would have been this morning?  I bet it would have been well down the 85's.

The consequences of my bingeing are more than apparent today.  I weighed this morning and I am 86.7 kgs.  I mean what did I expect?  It's just so sad because last week I was down to 85.4kgs and that is just 400 grams off my first goal weight.  Am I deliberately sabotaging myself?  Once I start to go off the rails I just can't stop myself and I find it easy to justify to myself why I am doing it.  What a horrible mess.  I know this is supposed to be a lifestyle and not a diet.  I know I must delay and not deny.  I can do those things for a few days and then I catastrophically fall over the edge into bingeing.

Today I am back on track.  Today I think is going to be hard because I ate so much crap yesterday.  I know I will be craving sugar and carbs because my insulin must have been off the scale last night.  Also because I was drinking that makes me feel rough which usually carbs fix.  My plan today is to eat only a fat fast.  So Bacon, eggs, butter.  I might get a steak for later but nothing else only BBSE.  I will do the same tomorrow.  That will get me back on the fasting track.  On Friday we are off to the UK and I really need to plan well for that.  I know that Friday Mum is planning fish and chips.  I am going to have just the fish.  I will take some bacon and eggs omelette type things so I am not starving when we get there and all my resolve goes out of the window.  I have to do this.  I must take the scales too.  I must not have more than one alcoholic drink as that makes me go over the edge too. Actually I really should not drink at all.  Can you tell by the words that I am using that I have no intention of not drinking?  I 'Should' not drink?  That 'Should' is giving me permission to drink.  If I said 'I must not'.  'I absolutely cannot'.  'I will not'.  But I don't I say 'I should not'  then there is that little permission.

I must have a plan every day.  EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Today I am grateful for

This Blog which makes me accountable and also makes me be honest in a way I haven't been before.

My husband who is so long suffering in all the ways I try to lose weight and when he trys to comment on it and offer help I bite his head off like Godzilla.  I know he's right but I don't want to hear it.

The wonderful cycling break we had and how it has changed our relationship and made us closer and stronger.