Reflections on time. 86.6kgs

 Thursday 86.6kgs

So here we are again.  Stuck in the middle of 86 and stuck at fasting for 20 - 21 hours.  No matter how hard I try I cannot go past 21 hours.  I start off with the intention of doing at least 36 but by the time I get to 5pm my head hunger is making me so irritable and grumpy.  I start thinking about all the food I want to eat and that I deserve it and that I am deprived because I can't have it.  Yesterday I did the best I have done so far in that at 5.45pm I gave in and so I ate some olives and some cheese.  That satisfied me and so I lasted until dinner time.  I ate chips.. 😓I didn't plan to have them but had cooked them for Mike and then they looked so nice I had a good handful on my plate.  I also had eggs and cabbage and some fried bacon.  I honestly didn't need the chips.  I just couldn't say no.  I need to cook less food.  Only enough for Mike and so there is not enough for me.  If I am going to do this I must be more aware and mindful.  

According to MFP I ate less than 1000 calories but I'm not sure that it is accurate but I am sure it was way less than the 1,200 I should eat.  The main problem yesterday was that I was bored and when I am bored I want to eat.  It makes me think about food all the time.  I should have taken the dog out for a walk to distract myself but by then I was irritable and grumpy and feeling those feelings.  The walk should have been a reward, a pleasure.  But I didn't go.

The massive positive from yesterday is yet again I did not have a drink and it was fine.  So 3 days running with no wine or vodka and I have been sleeping better.  I repeat for those who missed in ie ME!  I slept better the last 3 nights when I haven't had a drink.

All of the stuff I am reading on the Dr Fung groups says that ADF is the sure fire way to lose weight.  I just have to do it.  Go through the hard part and strive to get to bed time without eating.  Once I get up in the morning I can eat whatever within reason.  The problem is that I am not really hungry.  Not starving and would eat a scabby dog with a dirty bum, hungry.  I just want to sooth my head feeling by putting some food in my mouth.  I want to chew it and swallow it.  But I am not hungry.  I need to distract myself when I feel like this.  I can knit.  Maybe I need to knit a more complicated pattern than the ones I have been knitting because if it is easy then I can think whilst I knit and the main thing I want to stop is thinking.  I could meditate.  I think meditating is a really good idea.  What would I meditate on?  I would meditate on how well I have done.  On self love.  On the rewards from suffering.  Suffering is a Buddhist thing.  I have to suffer to appreciate how lucky I am.  I can do this.  I would not meditate on food or eating or when I could eat.  I would meditate on how being hungry is making my body more healthy.  It is making my body heal from years of damage by diet.  I have lots of strategies in place for this time at around 5pm and I must put myself first and leave Mike to sort himself out for this day and do the loving thing for myself and Fast.

I find all these reasons why I should eat.  When it gets to mid-afternoon I start thinking and telling myself all the reasons why I can and should eat.

I am hungry  

Fasting for 20/4 is good and lots of people have lost loads of weight doing 20/4 or 22/2 or 18/6              

I won't have much, maybe the 500 calories and then finish.                                                                        

I can't be grumpy or Mike will be cross with me and it isn't fair on him.                                                    

I deserve it and it isn't fair.                                                                                                                            

I am depriving myself of all these lovely foods which are my favourites.                                                    

I don't care if I am fat.  I'll go back to 95kgs.  It doesn't matter.               

The human brain is wired to be selfish and to make itself happy.  To make me happy and to soothe me, my brain wants to feed me.  Selfish is a horrible word.  I am really not a selfish person.  I will do most anything to make other people happy and will always put others first.  Am I being selfish by eating?  No,  probably not.  I am just giving myself some love and attention by eating.  Why is eating a loving thing to do?  Feeding others for me is a loving thing to do.  Feeding myself is not loving.  Meditating and going for a lovely walk in the woods is loving.  Going for a ride with Mike is loving.

I waste a lot of time on the internet searching and reading.  It is time I could spend either writing here or meditating or doing things for me that is not mindless scrolling.  If I walked more I could listen to many more podcasts which would inform and inspire me.  Time scrolling is wasted time.

Today I am grateful for

My intellect.  Because I am able to rationalise and learn and inform myself. I am a clever and bright person.  I can work this out.

My Pilates sessions.  I am doing them most mornings and I can feel that I am getting stronger and more toned.

Being ME.  I like me.  I can't say I love me yet.  It's a work in progress.

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