Better understanding 86.5kgs

 Tuesday 86.5kgs

So yesterday was a bit of a triumph.  Although I only did 22.5 hours I did feel I could have gone on but I was scared to!  How flippin' strange is that?  I didn't want Mike to eat without me.  Then I told myself I could do fine with just doing 20 hours plus and I would lose weight without any deprivation.  Deprivation! FFS!.........

I had a good strategy.  Firstly I did loads of water with salt and also sucked on salt during the day.  Then I had some pickle juice in the afternoon when I started to feel hungry and that was nice with sparkling water.  As someone said in one of the groups, it was a bit like a martini with olives.  Then as it got later and I thought I really should eat something as I was getting edgy I had a big mug of Marmite.  I don't think that is allowed but it stopped any thoughts of food dead.  at 5.30 pm I just gave in.  I didn't need to, I didn't really want to but I wanted to eat with Mike.  How bloody stupid.  Anyway I made a huge bowl of salted popcorn which is amazingly low cal and snacked on that until dinner was ready and then ate my dinner and had a greek yoghurt with a teaspoon of honey.  Then I ate the rest of the popcorn.  Dear God what is wrong with me?  The only positive of it all is that I didn't have any alcohol!  I'll take that as a win.

This is an experiment of one and I am finding my way forwards.  On days where I don't follow the rules or my plan precisely I do not give up until next Monday.  Tomorrow is another day and I will carry on.  My plan for today is the same really although I am going to make some Chilli for Mike and I am going to fast until tomorrow.  Notice I didn't say 'try and fast until tomorrow'?  I did so well yesterday and I know I can do it.  

I watched an amazing YouTube yesterday called Diary of a CEO and he was interviewing Sharoo Izadi who wrote The Kindness Method.  It was soooo good.  One thing she said which really made me see how I behave when I feel deprived in a different way was 'Imagine you are a mum and every day you have given your child a special treat.  It's an unhealthy treat so let's say it's a 4 finger KitKat.  Every day at 5pm you give your child a KitKat.  Then one day you see on the news that giving a child a KitKat every day is really unhealthy.  You love your child so very much and so you don't want to continue doing this bad thing to him so you stop the KitKats.  At 5pm the child comes for his KitKat and you say 'Sorry child but the KitKat is bad and I am saving you from this bad thing and you can't have KitKats again'  The child would cry and scream and rant and tell you that you were a bad mother and that they hate you but you would say loving and soothing things to your child.  You would tell him that you understand how he feels and that you are there for them and you would offer them love and cuddles until things settled down and the child accepted there would be no chocolate.  But with ourselves when we start a diet or new way of eating we are harsh with ourselves and we don't speak kindly as we transition and go through uncomfortable feelings.  People around us are not kind either.  We must be kind and gentle and loving to our deprived child and soothe it.  We must be strong with it but we must be kind.

She also spoke about how we don't do things or have things or give ourselves rewards until we think we have earned them and of course we are never good enough or have done enough to earn the rewards.  That then makes us feel unworthy.  I feel unworthy.  I get what she's saying about 'When I am thin then my life will really begin.'  Of course it fucking won't.  It's started ages ago.  Mine is coming towards the end.  How much longer am I going to wait to be thin and then start living?  I am living my best life now with our without being fucking thin.  I don't even want to be thin I just want to get to about 80kgs and feel more comfortable with my body.  Note to self.  I must examine this sentence again.  Why 80 kgs?  I started off with a goal of 85kgs and I haven't got there yet.

I MUST BE KIND TO MYSELF.  I MUST LOVE MYSELF.  I MUST GIVE THE LOVE AND COMPASSION TO ME THAT I WOULD GIVE TO MY SON WITHOUT RESERVATION.

Today I am grateful for

Sharoo Izadi whose book has made me look inside at myself and see something different.

Pickle juice, Marmite and Bovril which are my crutch to get me to a longer fast 😂

My friends Inge and Mikael.  Such kind and non judgemental people.


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