Coffee is my Nemesis

 Thursday 1st June 2023

So yesterday didn't go exactly to plan.  My plan had been to fast all day but that didn't happen.  Maybe it was the excess of alcohol from the night before maybe it was too much sugar the day before.  This whole thing is a learning curve and everyday I reflect and learn what is happening with my body.  By lunchtime I was feeling hungry and I was also Hangry.  I kept fighting with Mike about nothing really.  I had done a really good and long Pilates workout in the morning though.  So at about 2pm because I was really feeling hungry I decided to have machine coffee.  It was shortly after that I started to really feel awful.  I felt shaky, wobbly, fuzzy headed and blurred vision again.  When will I learn?  Unless we are out doing exercise on the bike I CANNOT AND MUST NOT drink coffee.  So at about 3pm I decided to eat.  I wanted something quick and instant and so my choice was not good.  I had 4 Cream Crackers and 2 rice cakes and some St Augur and butter.  It didn't really hit the spot and then I was in binge or graze mode.  I just wanted to keep eating to make the horrible feeling go away.  I ate some peanuts and probably another couple of rice cakes but it didn't really work.  

Eventually at dinner time I was having that whole I NEED to eat.  I deserve to eat because I feel so horrible.  I am deprived of proper food.  I was a bit out of control.  Dinner was supposed to be lasagne for each of us but Mike said he was really hungry and so he had just over 3/4 of it and I had just less than 1/4.  Obviously that wasn't going to be enough for me.  I had a good helping of brocolli and also I cooked myself a pork steak and had half of that.  I don't think I really ate enough then.  It's so hard judging it and eating off a smaller plate.  My plate was full but it is a small plate.  If I had put any more on it I would have felt like a pig.  I had a tablespoonful  of Tiramisu and Mike ate the rest.  I still didn't feel satisfied and so at about 9pm I had another mouthful of pork steak.    When I went to bed I was feeling distinctly unsatisfied.  I even contemplated when Mike was asleep, getting up and making some toast or something, but thankfully I didn't.

This morning I have weighed and the sins of Tuesday are showing up and I am 86.8 kgs.  10 days ago I would have been thrilled to see 86.8 so get a grip Gail!

I have done a short balance Pilates this morning and once I have finished this I am going to take Lilly out for a walk.

I aim for 18 hours today which is easily doable as long as I have a plan.  I have another pork steak already cooked in the fridge for something quick to eat and it will fill the gap.  No coffee at all today.  For dinner I think we will have courgette spaghetti.  Simple and quick.

My 3 blessings for today

I am grateful for this blog which is teaching me and getting me to examine my feelings around food and especially when food is driving me in the wrong direction.  Sometimes it is hard to be honest about what is going on and it is easy to blame everything around me instead of looking within.  These writings are helping me do that honestly.

I am grateful for my lovely husband who does try to support me and he takes the brunt of my hangry behaviour.  We both have faults and most of the time we get along very well.  It's just occasionally I lose it and behave like a fucking Diva.  

I am grateful for my lovely dog Lilly who gives me a reason to get off my arse and go out for a walk.  If I didn't have a dog I know I wouldn't go out for a walk like I do.  What would be the point?  She loves me so unconditionally and just wants to be with me.  She went to the boarding kennels for 3 nights whilst we were away on the bike and she was desperately unhappy about it.  She has come home with no voice at all and is totally hoarse from crying.  The people at the kennels said she just cried the whole time and was very depressed.

Life is good.  The weather is good and I am amazing!!


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