Pushing through the head fuck 88.5kgs

So this morning I jumped on the scales for a sneaky peak and guess what?????????  I'm 88.5kgs so no weight lost this week. I cannot get this at all.  I know I have diet brain but surely going out for a ride on the tandem for a couple of hours and only eating 1200 calories and mainly eating protein and totally fasting clean,  should make for some change?  It would be so easy today to say 'What the hell' and to give up.

It's not supposed to be a diet and there are no restrictions.  This cannot be true...can it?

Today I will fast clean again and maybe cut out coffee as I read yesterday that it can spike insulin.  I really felt dreadful yesterday until we went out on the bike. All I had was coffee and water and I did take 2 soluble paracetamol before we went.  I felt good whilst we were out on the bike and not hungry, no headache.

When we got home I ate a good portion on charcuterie which was left over from my birthday and I had some St Augur cheese.  Then I had dinner.  I had a vodka and water before dinner and then dinner was a pork shoulder chop, asparagus and some of the Biriyani.  Probably a good serving/tablespoonful.  I had a spoonful of mayo and a spoonful of mango chutney with it.  After dinner I had two of Mikes biscuits.  I felt full but not uncomfortable.

OK let's talk portion control.  I am eating off a smaller plate but still probably eating too much.  But the whole fucking point of this is that I don't have to restrict calories.  So I am going to carry on with the smaller plate. I am going to really restrict carbs and eat more protein.  I need to feel as good as I did last week.  I want to feel that good and that I am getting slimmer.

I don't want to be on a diet for the rest of my days. My whole problem with food is that I cannot bear that feeling of being deprived of food.  The point of this is yes you deny but then when the denial is over then you can eat, in proportion what you want.

The main thing for me is the feeling of hypoglycaemia.  The buzz in my head, the shakiness, the irritability.  I am sure that is what it is but how can I have insulin spikes when I am not eating anything?  Maybe it is the coffee.

So today the plan is to drink just water or maybe black tea.  No coffee.  Then I will keep busy all day until about 4 or 5 pm when I will eat.  I am going to try and go back to Keto so just protein and fat.  I have salmon for dinner and I will have that with courgettes.

I will try not to drink any alcohol tonight and if I do it will be vodka.

I will do a good Pilates workout, hopefully about 40 minutes or so.

If the rain stops later I will take the dog for a walk.

I will help Mike load the MH.

This has to work for me as a lifestyle but I cannot keep doing it if it doesn't work.

The only reason this is not working for me is eating too much or the wrong things as I absolutely am clean fasting. I never, never cheat at that.  

UPDATE: So since I wrote this earlier I have been researching two things.  One is Hypoglycaemia and the other is Cortisol as I am trying to dig down into the horrible feelings I am having.  It started again at about 10.30am with the buzzing in my head and also my eyesight feeling blurry.

Both of these symptoms are linked to Hypoglycaemia and Hyperglycaemia which is strange.  A lot of my symptoms can be linked to diabetes.  However they only happen when I am fasting and even when I am fasting they disappear completely if I exercise.

The symptoms can also be linked to high Cortisol which I am sure I had for years due to stress and depression.  I need to look into this more.  I think I am going to buy myself a blood/glucose monitor so that I can see what is going on when I am feeling so horrible.

In the meantime I am determined to tweak it till it's easy so my plan is to fast for 18/6 and to do Keto with a bit of relaxation for now.  I have cut out coffee and am going to be drinking black or green tea and water during my fast.  I will not make big changes as I want to see what works.

I also need to research better into the Cortisol response.

It feels good to think that I am getting some control and I am going to succeed this time.  It just might take a bit longer.

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