Hunger games

 So I have been thinking a lot about feeling hungry and trying to decide 'What is hunger?'  Is it that growly,  groaning feeling in your abdomen or just under your ribs?  Is it the feeling of slight nausea?  Yesterday, because of having dinner and drinks so late on my birthday my eating window for 18 hours was not due to start until 5pm.  Now for me that is late to fast and not only that, because I had eaten some pretty unhealthy food on my birthday I was not in the best place for a long fast.  

It got to about 2pm and I was bloody starving.  I was hangry.  But I had 3 hours to go until my window opened.  I decided I needed to occupy myself so I took the dog for a long walk down through the woods.

During that walk there were a couple of moments, and they were just moments, when I felt hungry.  My stomach felt empty and a bit sore and had I had food available I would have eaten it. However I didn't have anything and so I just walked on. I tried to be mindful and enjoy the pleasure of the sun and surroundings and the feeling of hunger soon passed.  In fact I have noticed that one minute I can have the hunger pangs and the next minute I have no feeling of hunger and if I think about it I feel satisfied. Not full or replete but with no feeling in my stomach. Nothing that would signal me to eat.

When I got home from the walk I was only 17.5 hours into the fast and so I went to have a shower and by the time I came down it was 18 hours and I had some olives and cornichons to tide me over until dinner.  Was I hungry?  No I don't think I was but I really needed something to eat.

This feeling that I need to eat has happened nearly every day since I started IF and I have given it a lot of thought.  There are no hunger pangs.  No feelings of discomfort in my gut.  No growling stomach.  No feelings of nausea.  So what is it?  I think it is definitely emotional.  My head feels the need to eat.  I need the comfort of eating.  Eating, the act of taking some food item and placing it in my mouth, the act of chewing and swallowing is comforting. It soothes me.  If I don't eat then my head starts to feel agitated.  I feel aggrieved.  I feel anxious.  This feeling is very physical and it makes my whole body feel agitated.   I know I am not hungry. 

This happened to me again today.  We went into Angouleme shopping and I did get some slight hungry feelings but I had some coffee and some fizzy water and all the feelings of hunger soon disappeared. However, on the drive home I started to get that agitated feeling and I felt a real need to eat.  I needed to put some food in my mouth and to chew and swallow. I needed the comfort of the act of eating.

When we got home I had 3 crispbreads and some cream cheese which satisfied my need but once I started to eat I didn't want to stop.  I had to make myself sit with what I had eaten and not pick up anything else and stuff it in my mouth.

So I need to find a way to deal with the feelings that are not hunger but are the emotional need to soothe myself with the act of eating.  So I am going to try a few things in the next few days.  Chewing a pen top, or fiddling with worry beads.  These two things helped me to stop smoking.  The act of hand to mouth soothed my cravings then. Neural pathways have been built and they need to be rewired.

I will try some mindfulness and some meditation but in these early stages I don't think my mind will rest enough to do it.

So I need to now not eat until dinner tonight and then see if I can just have a small helping. This musing is for another day.

Onwards...