Deserving and Depriving 86.9kgs

 Date 24th May 2023

AM 

What will test me today?

Managing the amount I eat so that I don't get uncomfortably full.  Also I really do not want to drink or if I do then only having one or two at the most.  Two is probably too many.

How would I usually respond?

Justify it to myself that I deserve it and I don't want to be deprived.  Once I've had a drink or two then all my resolve disappears.

How could I respond that would make me feel pleasantly surprised with myself when I look back on it tonight?

Think I deserve this weight loss and by managing or reflecting on the feelings of 'deserving' or 'depriving' I will understand myself better.


TODAYS CHECK IN

So this morning I weighed myself and unbelievably I have lost another .6 of a kilo.  Weight this morning was 86.9 kgs which is awesome.  I can't believe it as yesterday I felt I hugely overate.  In fact once I started eating I felt I didn't stop.  I had the burger and then the grapes and then dinner and then more grapes and strawberries with cream.  The worst thing was that I drank 3 glasses of wine.  I felt quite pissed at times especially before I had my dinner.  I hated the feeling I had when I went to bed and I really didn't sleep well.  I was too hot.  I am sure that the alcohol overheats my liver and that overheats my body.

The fasting seemed easy and today I plan to fast for 20 hours once again.  Today will be a bit harder because I actually didn't stop eating until late and so to do 20 hours I cannot eat until 6pm.  That was bad planning.

I am still not drinking coffee so hopefully that is the reason I feel better.  

I must sit with the feelings I have that I am deprived of what I want to eat.  I am not at all deprived.  I can eat whatever I want in my eating window.  There is no deprivation in this house.  Also I have to address my alcohol use.  I really can get to dinner time without it and I choose not to.  I need to have the same rationale with alcohol as I do with food.  I can have it but I need to delay having it until maybe tomorrow or the weekend.                                                                                                                             I also need to stop thinking how I deserve to eat or drink things that I know are not good for me.  I stopped drinking coffee because I know it is not good for me as it makes me feel so shit.  I don't feel I need to drink coffee because I deserve it.  I don't deserve to feel as bad as I did.  I don't deserve to feel as horrible as I did last night after drinking 3 glasses of wine.  I deserve an alcohol free body that feels good in the night and I deserve to have a good nights sleep.

I do not deserve food, I just want to eat it inside my window.  Feeding my body good things which will make me feel healthier and fitter and that will nourish me.  I can have a cake or biscuit if I want but maybe not today.  On the weekend or after a long ride maybe but not because I deserve it.  I can have it because I would like it and have chosen the time when I will eat it.  This last sentence sounds like crap but I will have to meditate on that question.    Would I say I deserve some cabbage?  Hmmmm.  Food for thought.

UPDATE.....  So as noted below I had to close my eating window at 16 hours but I felt I had to.  I stuck to just eating chicken and the burger that was left and then went for a long walk with Mike.  I am knackered now.  I did have a drink but a very light vodka and water and ice.  

I am not beating myself up.  Shit happens and I am paying today for my drinking yesterday.  I am still pondering the deserving word and I think I have to come at deserving from the opposite direction.  I deserve to lose weight because of how this plan is suiting me.  I deserve to be healthier because this plan is healing my body.  

Tomorrow is another day and I have a 20 hour window planned but I am not stressing.  It will be what it will be.

PM

What tested me today.

Trying to get to my 18 hour window at least

What happened?  

I failed.  

How did I respond?

I rationalised my feelings.  I really felt shaky and very hungry not head hunger.  I am sure this is to do with the alcohol I drank last night and I had a mini hangover.  So I ate at 16 hours but I have been good and eaten low carb and not too much either.  I wanted to get finished early so that my eating window isn't as late tomorrow.

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